As a relationship coach, I often encounter clients in relationships with narcissists. Narcissism is a personality disorder where the afflicted individual has an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a constant need for admiration and validation. When you first meet an individual with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), it’s not always obvious that they actually are a narcissist as they can be very charming, attentive and attractive at first. But in time, their true nature is revealed, leading to a lot of emotional distress for their partners and families.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to emotionally protect yourself. Here are some tips on how to do so:
- Know the signs
The first step in emotionally protecting yourself is to recognise the traits of a narcissist such as a constant need for attention, a lack of empathy, a tendency to blame others for their problems, and a tendency to manipulate others to get what they want. If your partner displays this kind of behaviour, you should take care and understand that you are not at fault. – For more information on what a narcissist is and the signs of one, please check out our previous blog post.
- Set clear boundaries
It is important to set clear boundaries in any relationship, but this is even more important if you believe you are in a relationship with a narcissist. You should be clear about your limits, and communicate these to your partner. Whilst a narcissist may not respect these, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any. Be firm and stand up for yourself and make your needs and wants heard.
- Focus on your own self-care
When in a relationship with a narcissist, it can be easy to get swept up in their needs and perceived problems whilst forgetting about your own. But if you want to protect yourself, you really need to prioritise your own self-care and wellbeing both emotionally, physically and mentally. Take time for yourself by engaging in activities such as exercise, spending time with friends and family, and other things that you enjoy away from the narcissist to help you be ‘you’.
- Seek support
Navigating a relationship with a narcissist on your own can be a bit of a minefield so it is important to seek support from others. This can include talking to a therapist, joining a support group, or confiding in friends and family. Having a support system in place can provide you with the strength and perspective you need to emotionally protect yourself as well as providing you with a safe space to be away from the narcissist. You should also document any behaviour that is abusive as this can be helpful should you ever need to seek legal action.
- Avoid engaging in power struggles
Power struggles are one of the key ploys used by narcissists who love to manipulate and try and control you to get what they want. Where possible, you should avoid becoming involved in these power struggles and instead focus on maintaining your own sense of self-worth and personal power. Removing yourself from arguments or walking away from unhealthy situations are effective ways of protecting yourself in a relationship with a narcissist.
- Know when it’s time to leave
I know it’s easier said than done, particularly if the relationship is long-term and you have children or other shared assets but it is important to know when it is time to leave the relationship. If you grow weary of walking on eggshells or if your narcissistic partner’s behaviour is causing you or your children significant emotional harm or putting you in danger, it’s time to walk away. This can be a difficult decision, but it is often necessary in order to protect yourself and your wellbeing. If you are struggling to find a way out, there are agencies and support groups who can help you including Refuge and Women’s Aid. Whilst these groups mostly assist women, men can be victims of narcissists too. For support men can contact Mankind or the Men’s Advice Line.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be a challenging and emotionally draining experience. That’s why it’s important to recognise the signs of narcissistic behaviour and to take the steps above to help you emotionally protect yourself and your family. And if you do make the choice to leave, you’ll need to make a clear plan and have support in place when you end the relationship. Whatever you decide to do, the decision is yours but just remember – you deserve to be happy and to be able to live a life where you’re not walking on eggshells. There is a better life out there.