Why Women Don’t Trust People Pleasing Men

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (00:11.288)
G’day and welcome to the latest episode of Relationship Revolutions where this week I’m talking about why women do not trust people pleasers, especially men, who all they want to do is please them. Now don’t get me wrong, all humans want to be pleased.

but not necessarily to be a person that is a pleaser.

And I think one of the biggest relationships, I think one of the biggest misunderstandings in modern relationships is this. A lot of men believe that women want someone who is endlessly nice. After all, they keep going around saying that they’re sick and tired of the bad boys and being hurt and all this, that and the other. They want someone that’s always agreeable or always accommodating.

always emotionally available, never challenging, never difficult, and on the surface that sounds loving. But what’s the reality?

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (01:24.32)
Most women do not want, Most women do not deeply trust people pleases. They may appreciate them. They may feel temporarily comfortable around them, but trust, real trust, that’s something else entirely.

Because people pleasing often has very little to do with love, and a lot to do with fear.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (01:56.92)
This was something I had to learn the hard way for myself. For years, I thought being a good guy meant keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, over giving, making sure everyone else was okay first. And I thought if she’s happy, the relationship is safe.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (02:25.132)
And I think a lot of men absorb the message, happy wife, happy life, and take that to be a fact. And it sounds harmless, but underneath it is often this belief, if I keep her happy enough, I will be safe. Safe from rejection, safe from abandonment, safe from conflict, safe from loss.

Especially when lot of men have seen marriages collapse. Fathers lose homes. Men lose access to their children. Divorce financially and emotionally destroy people.

So unconsciously a lot of men start to start organising around one thing, keeping the woman happy and slowly they themselves disappear.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (03:34.84)
So what’s the real problem with people pleasing? The biggest issue is this. People pleasing is not kindness.

is often masculinity abandoned for approval. Now I don’t mean masculinity in the loud controlling internet alpha sense. I mean grounded masculinity, direction, truth, boundaries, steadiness, the ability to tolerate tension. People pleasing abandons those things.

because the man becomes emotionally organised around don’t upset her.

and women feel that, even if they can’t explain it consciously.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (04:36.674)
And women feel that, even if they cannot explain it consciously.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (04:44.108)
Because now his yes means very little because he can’t say no. His boundaries disappear, his honesty and integrity soften. His leadership and leading himself also weakens. And eventually something starts to feel unstable. Not because he’s too kind, but because he has no center and he’s not grounded.

So that brings the question, what do women actually trust?

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (05:21.262)
I’ve heard this line a few times that really stayed with me. If you cannot stand up to her, how is she supposed to feel and trust that you will stand up for her?

Now that doesn’t mean being domineering or controlling or overpowering her. It means remaining grounded in yourself.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (05:51.746)
Because women will often trust a man who is a man who can lovingly disagree, hold his boundaries calmly, stay steady during emotion, in a sense being aware of his emotion without being controlled by it, to speak his truth without collapsing. That feels safe.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (06:21.814)
And that healthy masculinity is less about controlling emotion and more about holding direction within it.

almost like the string of a kite.

The emotions are the wind. The wind gives the movement, the energy, the expression. But without the groundedness of the string, the kite loses its stability. And without the wind, the kite never flies anyway. Both are needed. That is relationship polarity at its healthiest. It’s not necessarily about dominance or submission. It’s about groundedness.

and the emotional flow working together.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (07:13.634)
So why does people pleasing kill attraction?

A lot of nice guys think if I give enough, she’ll choose me.

but attraction does not grow through self abandonment. In fact, self abandonment often creates resentment because eventually the people pleaser starts silently thinking after everything I’ve done.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (07:48.632)
But there’s the hidden contract, the covert contract. And women feel the pressure of that. Real generosity is clean and is given freely. There is no expectation to get something from it.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (08:10.4)
It doesn’t secretly negotiate for love, approval, sex, validation, or emotional security. And that is why grounded men feel different. There’s less performance, less management, and more presence.

So if you recognize yourself in this conversation.

It isn’t about becoming colder or harder or toxic in some way.

or some internet caricature of masculinity, is about becoming whole, your full self, and reclaiming your boundaries and your truth and your direction, your standards and your groundedness. Because women don’t trust men who abandon themselves to avoid rejection.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (09:11.842)
They trust men who can stay connected to themselves while staying connected to her. And honestly, that is where real safety begins. Thanks for listening.