What Do Arguments Really Tell Us About a Relationship?

Transcript

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (00:05.186)
What do arguments really tell us about a relationship?

G’day and welcome to another episode of Relationship Revolutions. Today I want to start with a question that people ask me surprisingly often. And that is, Alan, is it healthy to argue in a relationship? And my honest answer would be sometimes.

But I don’t think that’s the right question. Because when people are asking me that, what they’re really asking is, how do I know if my relationship is healthy?

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (00:50.124)
Because many of us judge a relationship by one thing. Do they argue? If they don’t argue, they must be happy. If they argue all the time, they must be struggling. But after after years of struggling relat but after years of struggling relationship but after years of studying relationships, coaching people and reflecting on my own experiences.

I’ve realised it simply isn’t that straightforward. Because arguments on their own don’t tell us very much.

Is like hearing a vehicle make a noise. That noise tells you something deserves my attention. But it doesn’t tell you what the problem is. An argument is often the same. It’s just information or feedback. The question is what is that information?

Let me introduce you to four imaginary couples and see which one you recognize in yourself or your relationships.

Couple A this couple hardly ever argues. Not because they’re avoiding difficult conversations, quite the opposite. They’ve learnt to ha they’ve learnt how to have them well.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (02:23.989)
When something bothers one of them, they will bring it up early. They listen, they ask questions. They don’t assume the worst, and they don’t keep score. They don’t need to win. Sometimes they disagree, of course they do.

They’re just two different human beings, but disagreement doesn’t c become conflict because they know how to communicate. If one person gets upset, the other doesn’t immediately become defensive. Or if one person misunderstands, they’re both willing to slow the conversation down.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (03:09.869)
From the outside, someone may say they never argue, but what’s really happening is something much deeper. They’ve created enough safety to disagree respectfully. Let’s have a look at a couple B.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (03:33.986)
Now they argue fairly regularly, sometimes voices are raised, sometimes emotions run high. Sometimes they need a bit of time apart before coming back together. At first glance you may think that relationship sounds unhealthy. But here’s what’s interesting nothing stays buried. They talk, they apologise, they repair.

They are still learning how to communicate well, but neither of them is pretending everything is fine.

They are willing to have uncomfortable conversations, because that relationship matters more than avoiding conflict. Their communication isn’t perfect. Their emotional regulation isn’t perfect. But their commitment to understanding each other keeps them moving forwards.

Couple C now this one is a little different. They never argue ever. People describe them as the perfect couple. But behind closed doors, one partner learned years ago that raising concerns never ends well, so they stopped completely. The other notices the silence.

And gradually stops asking. A little disappointments get swallowed. Needs go unspoken. Frustrations stay hidden. Weeks become months and months become years. From the outside there is peace. But on the inside there is resentment. No explosions, just distance. Not because they don’t care.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (05:35.125)
Because they’ve stopped believing difficult conversations change anything.

Couple D

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (05:47.458)
This one kind of breaks my heart a little bit. They don’t argue either. Not because everything is wonderful and not because they’re avoiding conflict. They simply stopped having meaningful conversations. Now that relationship runs almost entirely on logistics. What time are you home? Who’s collecting the children? Can you pick up some milk?

The bins need putting out, the house still functions, the family still functions, but somewhere along the way, the relationship quietly stopped functioning. Nobody says I’m proud of you. Nobody says thank you. Nobody says I’ve missed you today. Nobody says how are you really doing? It’s two good people sharing responsibilities.

But no longer sharing themselves. And because there aren’t any arguments, people assume that everything must be okay. Sometimes silence isn’t peace, sometimes it is distance.

So what do arguments actually tell us?

This is where curiosity becomes so important. An argument rarely begins because someone enjoys arguing. Usually something underneath is asking to be understood. Sometimes someone doesn’t feel heard. Sometimes someone feels criticised.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (07:33.917)
Sometimes someone will feel misunderstood.

Sometimes it’s that feeling of being ignored.

Sometimes one person feels overwhelmed while the other feels abandoned. Sometimes neither person has the communication skills for the conversation they are trying to have. That’s not a criticism. It’s simply reality. Most of us are never taught how to navigate convict well or in a healthy way. We learned by watching the people around us.

Some of us grew up where conflict was loud, others where it never happened at all.

So we arrive in adult relationships trying to have conversations with whatever tools we picked up along the way. No wonder it can feel difficult. The argument itself isn’t always the problem.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (08:42.655)
is often pointing towards the problem. Just like the warning light on a dashboard. The light isn’t the fault, it’s just drawing your attention to something that needs understanding.

So here’s a different question. Rather than asking why are we arguing? Or who is right or who is wrong, try becoming curious instead. What’s happening here? What are we both trying to communicate?

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (09:21.419)
What isn’t being heard? What assumptions am I making?

What assumptions might my partner be making?

What do we both care about underneath in this disagreement? Sometimes two people are arguing about the washing up. Sometimes they’re actually arguing about

About appreciation or feeling unseen or feeling unsupported. The washing up was simply where the conversation finally surfaced.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (10:02.615)
Curiosity beats winning. One thing I’ve noticed is that many arguments stop being about the original issue remarkably quickly. Instead, they become about winning or proving a point or defending ourselves or finding evidence or building a case. But relationships are not courtrooms. And the goal isn’t to convince a judge.

It is to understand another human being.

So one of the questions I often ask my clients is this When did this conversation stop being about understanding and start being about winning or about being right?

That question changes a lot of things. Because healthy communication isn’t about winning arguments or being right, it’s about creating understanding. Sometimes that means speaking, other times it means listening.

And sometimes it means asking a better question. And sometimes it means recognising that neither of you feels emotionally safe enough yet to have the conversation you’re trying to have.

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (11:27.923)
So perhaps the question isn’t do healthy couples argue?

Perhaps the better question is can we talk honestly about the things that matter? Can we disagree without fearing rejection?

Can we express disappointment without attacking each other?

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (11:53.88)
Can we listen without preparing our defense? Can we repair when we’ve hurt one another? Because I don’t think that healthy relationships should be measured by the number of arguments they have. They’re measured by something much deeper. Can two people keep choosing understanding even when understanding feels difficult?

Alan Watts – The Love Engineer (12:23.499)
And before we finish today, I’d like to leave you with one thought, final thought. Sometimes we spend so much energy trying to avoid difficult conversations that we also stop having the loving ones. We stop saying I appreciate you or thank you. I noticed what you did for me. I’m proud of you. I love you. That isn’t peace.

It’s emotional distance. So this week, rather than asking, do we argue too much? Try asking, are we still talking about the things that matter? Because relationships don’t become healthy by avoiding conflict. They come healthier when two people feel safe enough to be honest with each other.

If today’s episode has helped you make a little more sense, then we’ve achieved exactly what Rela Relationship Revolutions is here to do. Until next time, take care of yourself and take care of each other. And if you found this episode useful, feel free to share it. Click the like button, and if you could give me a

Review on Spotify or Apple, it helps other people find this too. Thank you. I’ll see you next time.